I keep randomly hearing the opening of Tig Notaro’s famous Largo set in my head as I go about my day.
While I lay in bed just after waking up… while I’m playing with my kid… going to my coffeeshop… responding to co-workers… sometimes even forgetting for a while then suddenly…
I have cancer. How are you?
It’s a very surreal thing to be facing one of your biggest fears. I feel it in my chest, literally and figuratively. I wonder how long it’s been quietly hiding.
When I got the diagnosis I had 3 thoughts — which probably sums up much of how I think in general. These thoughts are summarized below in both word and GIF format, respectively.
First thought: This is fine. I am a warrior and modern medicine is amazing. I got this.
Swift transition into second thought: What the actual FUUUUCCCKKK.
And right into third thought: Does this mean I need to go into stand-up comedy now?
Although not literal, the sentiment of the third thought is very real. I feel the strongest pull of my life to lean into the things that make me happy and clear my life of anything that doesn’t.
I want to create more freely. No over-thinking. Writing this is the first step in that. I set up this site and wrote this during nap time – SUP – no, I’m not sorry for typos.
I want to give more time and energy to things that are joyful to me simply for that reason alone. Not because they are productive. Rather than seeing fun as a privelage earned when everything else is done, I want to see it as a necessary part of everyday.
I want to eliminate any stressors I can control. This one will be hard and take time, but I want to find solutions to any parts of my life that don’t align with the peace and happiness I want to feel moving forward.
I want to take care of myself like I never have before both through this treatment and in the chapters beyond. I want to truly spoil myself.
I have no idea what the goal of this site is but anyone is welcome to join along. I hope to be authentic, experimental, hopefully sometimes funny and not too much of a bummer — but, hello, I do have cancer.
If interested, audio of the Tig set is here:
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